What To Do When You Cause Harm

Woman in pink sweater on grey couch
Photo by Renee' Thompson

by Jasmine Allen



Yoga classes are meant to be spaces where people are able to deepen the connection between their mind, body, and spirit. Unfortunately, not all yoga classes are safe spaces. Teachers and students impact the experience of others and have the power to cause harm with their words, actions, and inaction. Using offensive language, touching without consent, not being trauma-informed, and not being accessible are some of the ways harm is caused in yoga spaces. We live in a world where we are all impacted by systems of oppression whether we are the ones being oppressed or the ones benefiting from the oppression. We internalize beliefs about “others” and it impacts the way we think and behave. Whether harm is caused intentionally or unintentionally, providing a repair is essential in creating spaces that are truly inclusive and accessible. Fortunately, repair is possible and an important part of relationship building and healing.

Here are five suggestions for ways to make a relational repair once you’ve caused harm.

1. Take accountability and apologize

For people in oppressed groups, their oppression and experiences are often undermined, dismissed, or flat out ignored. If someone lets you know that they were offended, triggered, or hurt by something you said or did, the worst thing you can do is get defensive and try to argue against their experience. When someone has been offended, triggered, or harmed they don’t feel safe with you in that moment. They have fallen out of attunement with you. In order for them to be able to safely reengage, there must be a repair. Ironically, a common reaction when someone is informed that they have caused harm is to get defensive. They say things like, “No one else ever reacts like that when I say that.” “I have gay friends. I can’t be homophobic.” or “I don’t have a racist bone in my body.” As trauma expert, Dr. Bruce Perry says, “Well, the issue isn’t your bones. It’s your brain.” Becoming defensive does not help us unlearn dangerous beliefs or help others feel safe in our presence. Arguing against someone’s feelings when you’ve caused them harm is essentially telling them, “What you are feeling is wrong!” A better alternative is to take accountability and apologize.

Understand that your intention is not what is important at that moment. What is absolutely paramount is that, like it or not, you have caused harm. The practice of ahimsa in yoga does not just mean the absence of harm but actively working against causing harm. So when someone brings it to your attention that you have caused harm, take accountability for it and apologize. Lastly, remember that an effective apology never has the word “if” in it.

2. Extend gratitude

Finding out that you have offended or harmed someone is not easy but it’s also not easy for the person letting you know that what you did was hurtful. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that they’re being harmful, especially when you are the one being harmed. Thank the person for informing you that what you’ve done or said was wrong. They have shared with you a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow. Know that it is not on the oppressed to educate the privileged. If the way you offended them was news to you, it’s probably because you sit in a place of privilege where you don’t have to be informed in order to survive. Even if the information is coming from someone who sits in a place of privilege like you but just has done the work to educate themselves to be an ally, thank them for letting you know what you’ve done so you can grow too.

3. Share your plan for changed behavior

While an apology is a great first step and is often necessary to even keep the conversation going, it’s not enough on its own. An apology means nothing without changed behavior. As stated before, being informed that what you did was offensive or harmful is an opportunity. Use this opportunity to share how you plan on changing your behavior. Perhaps, you’re never going to use that term again. Maybe you know what else you can do or say instead. Maybe you don’t know what to do but plan on getting more information so that it won’t happen again. Whatever it is, let them know your plan to move forward and do better. Remember that the burden to create that change is on the people in positions of privilege, which in this case would be you.

4. Find the appropriate space for your feelings

As humans, our nature isn’t to cause others harm and when we do, it can trigger feelings of shame, fear, sadness, or embarrassment and of course activate our own stress response. You are not expected to negate those feelings but placing the responsibility of processing those feelings on the person/people you offended is unfair and unproductive. Too often when someone has offended someone else, they are overcome with guilt and begin expressing themselves so much that the person they offended feels inclined to comfort them. Know that it’s okay to step away or step back after you have acknowledged your wrongdoing and apologized, and share your plan to change your behavior. Find a space and time to process how you are feeling. Consider speaking to a therapist who is well versed on the topic or someone within your group of privilege who has done the work to become an ally to the group that you offended or harmed. If you don’t have someone in your network like that, start to do some research and expand your circle. There are groups of people actively working to unlearn negative beliefs about “others.”

I’ve created an example repair that combines steps one through four.

"I am so sorry for my choice of words (or actions). It was inappropriate and thoughtless. I apologize for causing you pain and disrupting this space. Thank you for letting me know that what I did was wrong. I recognize that you didn’t have to do that and I appreciate you for enlightening me so that I can be better. Moving forward, I will never use that language again because I understand that it is offensive and harmful. I am going to do some work to educate myself so that I can fully understand the history behind it and its impact today. I’m really embarrassed by this whole situation so I’m going to take some time to be silent but I will continue to listen if anyone has anything they’d like to share.”

Depending on the context, you will need to make tweaks and every repair does not have to look exactly like this. The point is taking accountability, apologizing, extending gratitude, and committing to rectification.

5. Do the work to educate yourself

Finally, be intentional about getting informed and making better choices. Take this experience and give it meaning. Let it be the moment that you started investing in learning about the experiences of others who don’t look like you or have access to resources in the way you do. Become proactive about learning what real change looks like. Be intentional about where you are spending your dollars and attention. Oftentimes, when people set out to do this work of acknowledging their privilege they will only tolerate it coming from certain people. Are you only willing to listen to conversations about race when it’s coming from Jada Pinkett-Smith on the Red Table or do you give that same level of reverence to your neighbors or a stranger at the store? Do you only care about body positivity when you see Jessamyn Stanley on the cover of Yoga Journal or do you think about the ways you internalize fatphobia even in your view of your own body? Remember that people are not a monolith and there are often nuanced perspectives and complicated histories to understand.

Fortunately, there are many experts doing work to help educate people in privilege. Be intentional about researching experts and investing in their work. There are books, websites, workshops, articles, and research available at your disposal. Use your privilege to get access to information that will help you become an ally and truly practice ahimsa. By taking accountability, extending gratitude, sharing a plan for better action, finding an appropriate space for your feelings, and taking intentional steps we can create the environment for authentic healing and restoration.

Jasmine Allen is a trauma-informed yoga instructor and trainer, writer, and business owner. She teaches hundreds of students virtually three times a week in her yoga program, Abundance with Jasmine Allen and sells cork yoga mats and props through her online boutique, With Jasmine Allen. She provides trauma-informed trainings and workshops for businesses, organizations, small groups, and individuals. Her articles on trauma-informed yoga have been featured in Yoga International and XONecole. Jasmine holds a 200hr yoga teacher certification and 40hr trauma-informed yoga teacher certification from Yogaworks. Jasmine is also trained in accessible yoga. She received her Bachelor’s Degree in Sociology from Temple University and Master's Degree in Education Policy from Columbia University.

This post was edited by Patrice Priya Wagner, Managing Editor of Accessible Yoga blog and member of the Board of Directors.

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