by Shannon Kaneshige
Most of our yoga practice is removing what we are not, certainly most of my practice is.
Removing all of the things we have been taught to think about ourselves. Our socialization. Our Doxa. All of those things that we mistake for us. Sometimes it is amazing to think I am most myself when I am doing nothing. Just existing.
Like a lot of folks, I was taught, implicitly if not explicitly, that I am what I do. I am what I produce. That “being” is active and when you take away the activity…nothing is left.
For me this has created two major issues. The first is that I feel I have no value outside of what I can provide others, so much that I often feel my identity is built around others’ needs. The second is that this mindset makes rest seem wasteful. It tells us that rest is a holding pattern while we prepare to “do,” or rest is something done in service of labor.
The question I keep coming back to: If I am most myself while resting, or just being, but I find myself overcome with anxiety and guilt while resting because I am no longer serving others or providing labor—then how much time have I actually spent being me?
Pardon my existential crisis.
I do feel like I know who I am, but I only ever get stolen moments and fleeting glances during meditation. Glances of the me who exists outside of labor, guilt, and all of those things that overwhelm and separate us. The me who doesn’t feel alone and isolated, who reaches out for that universal connection I know is there without fear.
And I am afraid. I am afraid that without this anxiety and worry, the me I know, the one I think is writing these words, will disappear and I will find that I was simply a container for fear, pain, guilt, and expectation. Afraid to let go of that container, even when the reward is peace.
Meditation allows me to stop identifying with the container. To see who I am without grasping and reaching and hiding. My practice is reconnecting to me, not who others want me to be or who my ego thinks I am, but to allow the me I have met in meditation to permeate my whole life.
To be me as much as possible--completely present in my life and the lives of others. To remove the veils of labor and expectation to truly comprehend that I inherently have worth as I am and allow others to see me as I am.
If you have come to my classes you have probably heard this meditation. It was one of the first I wrote and the one I return to the most.
Most of our practice is removing what we are not.
We are not our production.
We are not the expectations others have for us.
We are not the expectations we have for ourselves.
We are not our worries, our anxieties.
We are not our thoughts.
When we let go we find space to breathe
and the space to be simply be,
perfect as we are.
Shannon teaches online classes and workshops via their online studio Fringe(ish) Fat Positive Yoga. Sliding scale, private, and online classes are available through Shannon's website www.fringeish.com Shannon is currently based in Toronto on Anishinabewaki, Haudenosaunee, Mississauga, and Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation land. Certifications: RYT 200, Yoga for All, Accessible Yoga
Shannon Kaneshige will be presenting at Accessible Yoga's Conference Online October 14-17, 2021
This post was edited by Patrice Priya Wagner, Editor of Accessible Yoga blog and member of the Board of Directors.
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